Red Vs Blue: The archer files
by dmandog056
Summary: One shot: what if the agents of ISIS met the Reds and Blues?


Red vs blue: the archer files

21:00 Zulu time- Los Angeles CA USA

"You are an asshole archer. You know that?!"

"Shut up Dildo schwaggin's."

"That doesn't even make any sense!"

"And neither does the fact that you named yourself after a state!"

"Oh, for the love of god shut the hell up you two." A thug groans at them.

"Hey we're trying to have an argument here!"

"I'm sorry, oh wait I'm not. I just realized I don't I give two shits." The thug hits both of them upside the head.

On a rooftop, nearby.

"What do you think Lana, should we save those two idiots of ours?"

"Wash yes, Archer… kind of on the fence."

"As much as I hate to say it, he is the father of your daughter/my god daughter Abie."

"True, ugh. Carolina, Sometimes I really wish he wasn't."

"Want me to break a few of his ribs for you when this is over?"

"And that's why we work so well together."

"Red team to over watch, repeat Red team over watch, do you read?"

"Over watch here what do you have for us Red leader."

"Just took down some dirt bags, with extreme prejudice, and hopefully one extremely fat and lazy casualty."

"I'm still alive you senile, old bastard!"

"Drat, no friendly casualties on our end."

"You know Ray I really think that lotion does go good with some good old fashioned hand cuffs."

"Pendajos, ¿por qué tuve que venir aquí y hacer algo estúpido con todos ustedes?" Lopez complained.

"Oh, honey you have no idea." Ray smokes his cigarette.

"For shit's sake shut up you two!" Grif complains.

"Donut, Ray! Stop the grab ass! And that was an excellent suggestion Lopez!" Sarge ordered to his troops.

"Pendajo!"

"Copy that red leader." Carolina sighed

"Now let's go save those two flatfoots." Lana cocked the rifle.

"Wait we forgot about blue team." Que loud explosion.

"Tucker did it!" Caboose shouted over the radio.

"I swear those idiots…"

"Carolina, you are not alone."

"Thanks Lana."

With blue team

"Oh, for the love of god caboose you pressed that button."

"I didn't do it."

"Shut up caboose."

"Ooh more shiny buttons! I love buttons!"

"Oh my god me too!"

"Caboose, Pam no!"

"Aww man." Pam and Caboose said in synchronization.

Back with Lana and Carolina

"Well shit, you got the rifle Lana?"

"I'll cover you from here."

Carolina fires a grapple gun and ziplines down, crashing through a window in the process. She takes down the thug on the upper catwalk with a well-placed head shot. Lana headshot's one of the thugs holding a gun to archer's head. Carolina jumps down from the catwalk and engages one thug in hand to hand combat, only to dick punch him as her finishing move. She quickdraws her desert eagle and headshots another criminal who was about to shoot wash. Red team charges in and lays down cover fire, providing a distraction for Carolina to untie archer and wash.

"Took you long enough."

"Archer, shut up before I tie you back up and bust your jaw for hitting on me earlier."

"Thanks Carolina."

"No problem Wash. Just don't screw up again."

"Hey name one time it was ever my fault."

"The gas station job."

"That was the damn reds' fault!"

"Carolina."

"You were the one who forgot to disable the alarm."

"Carolina!"

"That was simmon's and cyril's fault."

"Carolina!"

"You we supposed to keep them on track."

"Carolina!"

"Dipshit over here dragged me away for a burt Reynolds joke!"

"Caaaarolinaaa!"

"For the love of almighty god! What?!"

"Hold on." archer holds up a finger and drinks from his flask while carolina gives him the evil eye.

"Finished?" archer keeps drinking.

"Ok done. Now will you 'please' hand me my pistol."

"First one thing." Carolina decks archer and gives him a bloody nose.

"What the hell was that for Carolina?!"

"That was for back talk!" Carolina grabs Archer by his neck and hits him in the jaw. "That is for hitting on me!" She picks him up again and hits him in the ribs. "And that one is from Lana for fucking this up in the first place!"

"My ribs, my favorite ribs, oh wait I have no favorite ribs." Archer wheezed.

Meanwhile back at the Figgis agency.

"You know Simmons, you and I think a lot alike."

"We both think Archer and Grif are lazy asses…"

Krieger knocks on the door.

"Hey uh, Simmons?"

"Yeah what Krieger?"

"I need a little help with some 'side projects' and sarge isn't here sooooo….."

"I'll be there in a minute, just got to help Cyril finish this paper work."

"Just don't take too long, this is kind of a big deal."

"Again, in a minute." Krieger walks away.

"I swear it feels like I do everything around here."

"I know right!" Cyril and Simmons finish the paper work.

"Well I'm off to see Krieger." Simmons went to Krieger's new lab.

In the lab

"Well what do you think?" Krieger said with a grin.

"It's… It's…"

"Yes, go on."

"A masterpiece."

"The greatest high known to mankind my friend! The greatest strain of marijuana ever created by human hands!"

20 minutes later.

Simmons took a long drag on his blunt. He made a puff ring. Krieger was sprawled out on the floor high as hell.

"I am tripping balls." Krieger passed his hand in front of his face.

"Now I see everything, the secrets of the universe are available to me." Simmons was experiencing purple haze.

"Whoa, that's deep man."

Back with the field agents

After the firefight was over, Tucker and Grif went over to their drinking buddy archer, and crouched down. "You got knocked the fuck out!"

"Jerk offs." Archer groaned.

"Should have learned dude, never hit on Carolina."

"No shit Sherlock. Hey Grif you got a beer?"

"Never leave home without some." Grif revealed 3 cold beers. The three drinking buddies uncapped their glass bottles and clinked them together.

THE END?


End file.
